Awesome? Not really…

You know, everything is more attractive to do than writing graduation theses… So I remembered I was writing a blog that was untouched for a year.

I created it on a day when I was especially bored, so I had to do something. I felt depressed and ugly…and fat. I got back a half of the weight I successfully lost five years before that time. I knew my problem was that I ate too much. I tried to eat healthy food as usual, I like it, it has became my lifestyle since I was losing weight at the age of 17… but I always have a wish to eat something all the time (it started when I was 20 or 21, it’s because of restrictions, I guess) and binge eating episodes were the reason for all this kilos I don’t want…the reason for change from fit to fat. The blog was made to help myself with writing. I admit, sometimes I was waiting for likes, follows and comments, sometimes I checked them immediately I woke up. And I liked writing. Sometimes it was helpful, sometimes I got the motivation. However I can’t say it really changed me. It was just one of many good tries that last few weeks. Eating only healthy food, counting calories sometimes and make my workouts harder… Unfortunately I always go back to eating. When I have this periods of being “good”, I lose weight, but very slowly. Not 0,5 kilos per week as wanted, but only 0,5-1 kg per month. The weight I can get back in 2 or 3 days…

Since I stopped writing, I lost no weight. Worse…I reached the number 50 and over. In two months of “dieting” my weight went back to 49, but it was the lowest measured. It was moving between 49 and 50 all the time. I guess I am there now. I hope I’m not over 50 again. Of course I lost my motivation, I made some mistakes I couldn’t forgive and move on, but just make everything worse and my workouts were less hard and efficient.

I’m currently at the “bad” period. Not really binge eating, but also not having any order of my meals. Sometimes it’s not my fault. Drinking some beer, sometimes eating at 11. p.m. or having no social life (or even spending less time with my boyfriend)?

Talking about workouts at the gym… I was on holiday a week ago and I my workouts were not really efficient there (I wanted to do TRX in the shadow of a forest, but I the mosquitoes were biting me). Since I came back I was in the gym twice. I didn’t count two days when I went there, but I was to tired to do a proper training. Besides of my depression, I am tired all the time last days. You know that feeling, when you get up very early in the morning? When you hardly move and have a weak headache and have to sit for a while to get normal? I feel like this all the time. I don’t know why did it happen and how to solve it. I know it is not because I don’t eat enough (I do, even too much), it is not lack of water, because I try to drink enough. The weather is very hot, above 30 °C, but feeling so tired still isn’t normal.

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Something very wierd happened yesterday. I was at the gym in the evening, but I left soon because of headache and tiredness. I decided not to eat after drinking my whey proteins, because it was around 9 p.m., I should’t eat so late! But I started to crave for something salty, so I ate about 100 g of feta cheese without anything else, just the salty white cheese. I don’t like it without tomatoes and cucumbers, it is too salty then. I don’t like very salty food. I crave for something that taste sweet all the time… strange. Maybe I had lack of electrolytes, I don’t know.

Today I felt tired in the morning, but better later. It was a very hot day. I didn’t want to walk to the gym, even though I felt guilty eating a scoop of ice cream (on the walk with my friends) and some other foods that weren’t breakfast, lunch or dinner. Just to have something in my mouth… I wish I could finally get over these and start to make good decisions and lose the weight in a healthy way. I wish my tiredness and depression to go away. I hope I would feel good enough in my body one day…

I promise I’ll write something more interesting in my next posts. Anyway, thanks to anyone, who’s reading 🙂

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